I Loved and I Loved and I Lost You (and it Hurts Like Hell)
by I'mNotYourAngel
Summary: There's only one place where Jace truly felt safe. Parabatai bonding. Oneshot. Pre 3B.


Alec Lightwood let out a long sigh as he pushed back from the heavy wood desk in his office. Being Head of the Institute had always been his dream, but damn if the job didn't stress him out sometimes... Though, if he was being honest, work was the least of his problems right now.

Clarissa Fairchild's death had hit everyone hard. Izzy was a mess, Luke had disappeared, endangering their alliance with the New York pack, and Jace... He didn't even know where to start with Jace.

Jace had been in love with Clary, the only person he'd truly let in beside Alec, and even though she'd been a giant pain in his ass most of the time, Alec had to admit she'd been good for his parabatai. Because of her, Jace had started to break free from the shell he'd created to protect himself, a direct result of all the abuse he'd suffered as a child before coming to live with the Lightwoods. Alec and Izzy had tried their best, but even they rarely got to see anything other than the tough guy facade he put up for the rest of the world. Like now. Clearly, Jace was struggling with Clary's passing but he refused to simply _grieve_, instead opting for grueling solo training sessions and storming out of the room whenever anyone mentioned her name.

Which brought them to now, three days after Alec had lost patience and snapped, telling him to stop bottling it all up and just let him _in_. Jace had lost his temper and buried a seraph blade in the training room wall. He'd been avoiding Alec ever since. Because Alec was the only one he couldn't fool. He just knew him too well, and not just because of their parabatai bond. He knew Jace hated showing any kind of weakness, another side effect of his childhood, but Alec was the only one Jace had ever felt comfortable opening up to, the only one who never made him feel judged or weak. Which is why it _hurt_ so damn bad that he was shutting him out now...

He groaned as he leaned his elbows on the desk, resting his head in his hands and taking a deep breath before pushing himself out of his chair, rolling his neck slightly to try and relieve the tension in his back and shoulders. As he made his way back to his quarters, he thought about heading over to Magnus' place, a long, hot bath with his boyfriend sounded like the perfect way to end this brutal week. He just wanted to change first.

He pushed his door open and was stunned when he saw the blonde sitting on his bed, back facing the door.

"Jace?" Alec stepped into the room, shutting the door behind him. "What are you-"

He broke off as Jace turned to look at him, his eyes red and his cheeks streaked with tears. Alec quickly crossed the room and dropped to his knees next to his parabatai, pulling him into his arms and holding him tight as his body was wracked with sobs.

"I-I'm sorry..." Jace choked out, clutching at Alec's shoulders. "I didn't-"

"It's okay," Alec said firmly, rubbing his back.

"I miss her so much..." he sobbed, fresh tears spilling out and soaking into Alec's shirt.

"I know," Alec whispered, wishing there was something, _anything_ he could do to ease his pain. They sat that way for a while, Alec rubbing Jace's back and just holding him as his sobs slowly tapered off into whimpers. Eventually, those died down, too, and Jace stiffened slightly in Alec's arms, sniffing as he tried to pull away.

"Don't you dare," Alec chided, holding him tighter. "There's nothing wrong with needing comfort, and I'm always here for you."

"Alec..." Jace started.

"_Always_," he reiterated firmly, pulling back to look him in the face. Jace nodded slowly, wiping his sleeve over his tear-stained face.

"At least get off the floor," he chuckled humorlessly, shifting to sit further back on the bed. Alec chuckled, too, slowly standing up, ignoring the twinge in his knees as he got off the hard floor and sat down on the mattress next to Jace, pulling his shoes off before leaning back against the pillows and sighing heavily, no longer planning on going anywhere other than to _sleep_. Jace sat there awkwardly for a minute before Alec snorted and pulled him by the arm to lay down next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and playing with his hair as his head rested on Alec's chest. Jace laid there stiffly for a moment before giving in and melting into the physical contact. Jace had been touch starved as long as Alec had known him and it had taken him _years_ to get Jace to allow himself this sort of comfort.

"You really shouldn't hold shit in like that," Alec said. "It isn't good for you."

"Don't really wanna talk about it," Jace grunted, fisting his hand in Alec's shirt. He'd exhausted himself crying and now he just wanted to sleep.

"Okay," Alec whispered, scratching a little harder at Jace's scalp until he shuddered and relaxed against him. "Just promise you'll come to me if it gets too bad..."

"-t's not that bad..." Jace mumbled groggily, half asleep and really enjoying the way Alec was petting his hair.

"Still," Alec chuckled, hating what it took to make him this way, but loving how relaxed and compliant Jace was being now. He hated when he put his walls up, acting like nothing bothered him and trying to deal with everything on his own. That's what Alec was _here_ for. He knew it wasn't a personal slight, but it hurt to see his best friend in pain. As Jace's breathing evened out slowly, Alec gently touched his hip where his parabatai rune was. The bond was quiet, meaning Jace had fallen asleep. He knew when he woke up it would hurt again, but for now, he just enjoyed the calm, tightening his arm around the sleeping blonde as he drifted off himself.


End file.
